Anxiety, Gaming, and You

Me and mine both have struggled with different types of anxiety and depression. Use to be every weekend though, we would go to LAN parties for Halo night. We were always busy and always going.

But that stopped. People get older, priorities change, you get put on the back burner or just just realize how shitty some of the people you were friends with, really were.

And all that can be a harsh self confidence hit. So then what?

Oh, I know! I’ll play online! People of all ages, races, and cultures joining together to have fun in the good spirit of competition. What could go wrong?


Oh that’s what can go wrong.

So it’s like a minefield of insults and elitist bullshit.

I understand that not everything is like this, my point is just that a lot of it is. And for someone with anxiety it makes the whole pastime seem completely unapproachable.

I want to play PVP as well as PVE, I want to have a good time, I want the same loot and rewards as everyone else.

But that’s kinda hard when people like me are hyperventilating while trying to psych themselves up just to hit the A button to join.

There seems to be a lack of causal play in fps. I don’t mind being killed. I just don’t want to be ran up on with a shotgun and then tea-bagged because that douche thinks they’re cool. I don’t want to be sniped as soon I spawn. Over and over and over and then getting a message saying to “git gud” What happened to GG and good sportsmanship?

Maybe FPS isn’t the way to go. I’ll just still play PVE but just ignore PVP for a bit.


What’s next?

Omg! Pokemon Go! Augmented reality of a game I’ve been playing for years that brings beloved Pokémon into my world?



…Not much going on here. And…

So close but yet so far

So close but yet so far

This^ this exactly

I don’t go out a lot. I work from home. I don’t have a car or license and as I said, my husbando & I both have anxiety issues that have only gotten worse after the unpleasantness of me losing a job about two years ago.

We just kinda withdrew from the world and stayed there. By there, I mean our house;  with our Xboxs, and our cat.

(which I love him, our cat, and our Xboxs a lot, don’t get me wrong)

But the friends I stay connected with over Facebook are meeting up, going out and combining games with friends and even exercise.
Sounds like a great deal!



Yeah I’m still here.

Things I feel

  • We aren’t wanted
  • We would be singled out as outsiders
  • Someone would bring up a touchy subject that would cause more anxiety
  • Massive guilt for not going and giving people a chance
  • Like a failure at any given point for any given reason
  • Worry about what people think
  • Worry I’ll look back with regret
  • Worry that my stress makes someone else stress worse


Now imagine all of this swirling around my mind and that plus more in my husband’s mind and that’s what happens every time there’s an event or some reason to leave.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way,  but I think most other people get over it at least enough to meet up with friends when these times come up.

My point is, you or someone you know probably feels this way too.  If it’s someone you know, more than likely think they are just rude or shitty people when in reality they are going through a lot of things to even get up in the morning.

All people need to do better. (Me included.) Be better friends. Make friends feel included and wanted. Show interest in things you know they do. Don’t be afraid to make the first move. Extroverts and introverts need to work together.

Don’t be that douche on PVP that feels the need to be the best fucking alpha dog and tea bag people.

Or that person on forums who’s first response is something rude, racist, sexist, or any combination of the words git, gud, scrub, or just any other insult that IRL would get you a hate speech charge.

Wait, wait, wait, hold up.

Let me go ahead and nip this in the bud too.

This is not a “if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen” situation. This is more of a “just don’t be a dick” situation.

No, I don’t expect anyone to act as if people are made of glass. I’m not suggesting wearing kid gloves when dealing with every person in world.

You probably think I want things to be like a hippie kids soccer game where they don’t keep score and everyone gets a trophy. Nope, that doesn’t solve anything either in my opinion. What I’m saying, is maybe don’t go push the worst kid into the dirt and yell at them. That doesn’t seem too hard. Or maybe I just expect too much out of the general public.



I’m actually exploding inside

I apologize if this post is a little all over the place. My feeling on these matters, as you might assume, are very passionate.

I love games. I also have a lot of issues. These two facts don’t always see eye to eye.

To be honest a lot of these feeling were brought up by Pokemon Go. It seems to strange. The world starts doing things I think are amazing, but I’m so deep in this hole the world put me in I can’t get out to enjoy it.

In the end, games are great at bringing people together. It’s just a little harder for some. And there’s always one asshole who just wants to make things even harder instead of helping a community. If you are not that asshole, keep up the good work!

Keep being a friend to the people who you meet IRL and online. We all fight different battles, but we should at least be able to team up once in awhile.

(shout-out to Josh, who is my best teammate ever)

From the bottom of my heart, GG!

What Happens If A Werewolf Bites A Goldfish?

For those who don’t know I am a giant fan of Neil Gaiman.


How could you not be a fan?

Even got him to tweet me writing advice once.

His words of wisdom- Finish things.

This may seem like ambiguous trifling, but honestly it’s something so simple that it’s easily forgotten.

Most the time when I’m dealing with writers block,  it’s not because I can’t think of anything – it’s because I have too many thoughts.


Actual Photo

I never really think about finishing things.  I think about the start,  I over think the middle,  and then…profit?

So I stop.

I zone out.

I read,  I watch,  I talk to friends,  I converse with my husband. (These are good things)

But to be honest,  I am on my phone too much.  Reading references. Finding definitions, true meanings and speculations. Looking at pictures on pinterest for inspiration. (Not as great things)


Funny thing is, I found this pic on pinterest

Does drowning myself in content equate to the ability to churn out best sellers?


So why the fuck do I keep doing it? (I’m sure husbando would love to know)

Mainly because I like to learn.  I’m not trying to melt my brain into goo. I’m trying to take in a massive of amount of data that I can use to make my own output.

Crowd sourcing my thought process. But this is a flawed logic on my part. And I’m just now getting this. 

So what does any of this mean?  Well mainly is just me venting. But a bigger picture is, I do plan on finishing things.  My thoughts,  my projects, my goals. I want to get to the end and actually  feel completed, sans the bullshit filler.

So people,  I ask for you to join me in this.  Find something you are working on and passionate  about,  and finish it.  If it doesn’t work out, do it again.


Need help?  Ask someone.  Talk to people.  Just share yourself with the people your close to. 

Time is never on your side,  so stop being perfectionist or procrastinator just finish things and then, go on to the next. 

So here I go…off to finish my book…here I go…


R/R/R/Reveiw Fallout 4 Mods

I’ll go ahead and say this post is a work in progress.

Not only because there will be lot of mods coming available and to try in the future but, as usual, launches of updates like this never go smoothly.


But here’s what we’re working with-

“You can now browse and search for the latest and greatest Mods, choose your favorites, post feedback, and install them – all within the game. Simply select Mods from the main menu, and start browsing. You can also browse through mods online on”

First official post about the update being up was at 3ish on Tuesday, two hours later and things still were not loading.

How it works is you go to on the internets and make an account, then sign into that account on your Xbox One.

And that’s where the issues were starting. After logging into the account, then viewing the mods, most of the time it would quickly kick you back to the first screen and you would have to start again.

Or it would just stop working entirely…stupid servers.


But we (my husband and I) did get a few things to work.  Him more than I. He’s more persistent. I just played Pokemon instead while watching him.


I’ll just wait here

My favorites at first glance are the ones that I feel should have been part of the game anyway. Dialogue options showing the exact thing you will say. More hair styles, building types, and radio banter. Nights being darker and lights being brighter.

I mean, I have to hand it to the mod creators. I give them massive credit and respect.



Thank you!

There have been some issues reported-

  • Saves deleted
  • Infinite load screens
  • “Mod no longer available”
  • Not being able to run
  • I turned invisible

But anyone who had modded anything before knows that things can be wonky.


A bloody mess

New stuff is being added all the time but so far here’s some really great ones to look into. Most here are self explanatory.

heres what i found

  • Darker nights
  • Waving flag poles
  • Reneers close that door (settlers close doors!)
  • Track your companions
  • Better settlement crafting (crafting requirements make more sense)
  • WET water enhancement
  • Full dialogue interface
  • Companion infinite ammo
  • Unified clothing overhaul (wear things and different things at the same time)
  • Locksmith lock your doors (lock those pesky settlers out of your house)
  • Better item names
  • Bunker 13
  • Atomic radio
  • Everyone’s best friend (carry Dogmeat +1)
  • Enhanced blood texture
  • Snap’n build
  • Unofficial fallout 4 patch
  • Cheat menu portable holotape
  • Lowpolys-Settlement Furniture (prewar stuff)
  • Non Euclidian Paintings of the Horrorwealth (awesome artwork)

Check them out here

Want synth eyes? Want to be a ghoul? Want Maccready (or any other follower) to be 70% hotter? All possible!

Thank you literallybyronic

Thank you literallybyronic


Josh, Dogmeat, and hot Piper

Slides of some of what I’ve done so far-

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Bunk 13 is pretty great. I’m guessing the maker has a slight case of OCD because everything is very organized and separated.

Best thing to do is to go read comments of the ones you are interested and check out the forums.

I’ll be posting updates as I try out more things. PS4 mods are coming next month but I will only have Xbox One info as it’s all I have.

Only other thing I will say right now, is to make sure you check the notes and instructions for the mods and pay attention to what other mods or dlc it may require and what load order to put them in.



Personal Info Update

So not that anyone was clamoring to hear what was going on in my life but here is some info anyway.

  1. Now on full time
  2. Working on self publishing some of the writing I’ve done on Kindle direct.
  3. Still working on more writing
  4. One year wedding anniversary coming up in a few days (yay)
  5. And trying to play games when ever I get the chance.

So I’m really super happy.

More to come soon!



By more I mean more actual reviews and real news…not me talking about myself.